What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content vary from abuser to abuser, but the words affect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, ashamed, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
At the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself leading to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior, and my provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for a while which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke me on the phone. Mainly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
You can also find Kellie on her website at Verbal Abuse Journals and can buy her books from Amazon.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
APA Reference
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, September 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/4/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
It is funny/weird to read this article as it pretty much sums up what just happened to me. I had met a man and we had a great connection, he was very sweet, in fact I was probably the one who was more 'moany' I would say. Really sweet, although he kept letting me down with coming to visit me - after a few months long distance keeping in touch I went again to visit him. After a few days of us getting along and all things fine, I felt very connected to him and very safe, like he cared about me and I for him. One evening after we had a few drinks, I asked him a question, I think I asked the time? He said stop asking me annoying questions, he got angry and then walked me into a room and held the door, aggressively told me to sit down, look him in the eyes and apologise, that he was making a real effort to make it a nice evening and I was 'sighing' (It was 4am I was yawning) I said I am sorry If I have made you feel a certain way but.. and he started calling me saggy, ugly, stupid, physco, disgusting, spoilt brat, judgemental b****, (alot of projections in there) I tried to be calm and said I should get changed and maybe go.. I would have spoke to him, but I knew that he crossed a line. As I got changed and packed my things, he said 'go to the street and suck c***, its all your good for' I felt humiliated and like a whore. I looked at him to make him see me? Then he went through my bags as if I was a thief, then downstairs he continued, saying I had a resting b**** face, I am a midget, that I look like I need a punch, that I am a bimbo, stupid and need therapy. Then he said something like I am acting like I want to get beaten up. I was silent and did not respond. I was shocked, I was also tired. He said.. 'you are not even saying anything back, how pathetic' I knew he wanted a reaction.. after calling me a stupid b**** he left me in the dark and I asked him to leave a light on, I left quickly after.. as I felt there was no way to talk to him now. I was alone walking the streets until the morning came. He text me the next day, still in town? Like nothing happened. I left and went back to London taking a bus through france.. the whole time without sleep and in shock. He had no empathy for me, even though a few hours before this we are kissing and hugging. Sometimes I wonder shall I text him and see if he realises his issues/problems? I am still hearing his insults in my head and its really lowered my confidence. Sometimes feeling like its all true.. ofc It is not! But the whole thing is just like everything listed above. Why do they do this? Is it to control? Did they ever like you? I cannnot work it out.
In reply to It is funny/weird to read… by Anonymous (not verified)
August, 30 2023 at 12:30 amI'm in the U.S. and every relationship I have ever had has been the other person treating me like that nearly word for word.
In reply to It is funny/weird to read… by Anonymous (not verified)
December, 22 2023 at 3:39 pmHi, I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry this happened to you. That must have been very scary, you may have even felt embarrassed or ashamed, and I hear how it not only confused you then, but it also confuses you now still. Maybe I'm projecting, but it sounds like you want to make sense of it. Is it so you can understand it and maybe process it to be able to let it go? If so, 2 things - some people cannot handle alcohol. It's a depressant so social inhibitions are relaxed. Any anger he was bottling up about other things might've flown out at you simply bc you happened to be the only person in the room when his angry, pent up feelings found their way out to attack. You didn't cause him to feel those things, they just got transferred to you bc angry rage feelings aren't logical. They occur in the amygdala which is in charge of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn emergency reactions only. You're wanting them to be logical and make sense as if they were a thoughtful response instead of hair trigger reaction. That logic only happens in someone's prefrontal cortex. You weren't dealing with someone operating out of their prefrontal cortex. So, it's never going to make logical sense on why he did or does that, ever. I can tell you it wasn't anything to do with you. I'm so thankful hearing you were brave and were able to physically leave. Don't bother calling to ask if he's aware of his issues. That takes logic. He isn't operating with logic, so calling it out will prob make it worse to the both of you. He can deal with his own self when he wants. I hope you can show yourself as much care for how you're coping with an awful, abusive event. I hope you can see and focus on how you are still affected by it and aren't processing it in a healthy way, and I hope you seek a therapist so you can move from it without taking meaning about who you are or any of it on yourself.
February, 20 2023 at 4:29 pmI am constantly called demeaning names and he blames me for everything I feel as if I walk on egg shells all the I am constantly accused of messing around I am open to advice
In reply to I am constantly called… by Anonymous (not verified)
June, 5 2023 at 6:18 amHave u looked up narssisst
I found out that is what mine is 11 years into the marriage!!
In reply to I am constantly called… by Anonymous (not verified)
October, 25 2023 at 9:22 amI think that if he is accusing you of messing around then he is for sure! And just leave, just pack your stuff and run as far away as you can from this! I am married to someone like this, it’s horrible I’m on 4 anti depressants, I just wish I could take my kids and run as far away from this as I can, it demining, it makes you feel worthless because he called you worthless all the time, it’s just not a good situation to be in.
Coleen Keeler February, 16 2023 at 9:22 amI was walking my dog this morning and forgot to bring a bag with me, and on our walk my dog did a #2 in someone's yard. I was going to come back and pick it up after I got home. After my dog did the deed, I heard someone screaming a**hole! a**hole! Then he started following me with his car screaming don't ever walk down my street or I will kill your dog you c--t! OMG, I was trembling with fear. I am nervous to ever take my dog out again.
December, 29 2022 at 11:23 pmSo I’d like to start off by saying, I read pretty much everyone’s stories. And I’m telling you, I’m
Not here to judge anyone, I actually understand to those that can’t leave, and I understand those that have or are. Especially those with children involved. I’m sort of in a same situation where I can’t leave. I’m in a place where I can’t. I mentally can’t. Here goes my story. So I’ve been with this person for 2 years now, we live together. Since we met, it has been fireworks, literally perfect. (I should’ve known). I did see a few red flags in the beginning, mainly because he was already going through a domestic case, but I believed him when he said he didn’t hit her. (I’ve always seen the good in people and that’s my weakness) (clearly…). So yea, that wasn’t the only red flag. There was one day we went out to go to the store, and he has just gotten a new item for his car. He asked me to help him
Put it on and I did because that’s my love of course I will. I guess while I was trying to put it together, I broke it. (& that my friends is when I saw a grown man act so much like a child) he got so mad at me, that he told me I have to find the missing piece in 5 mins or else he will leave me. I’m head over heels for him, so I’m trying to look for the missing piece. He started yelling, calling me stupid names. Saying I don’t take care of his things, saying he’s going to leave me for someone who can find the missing piece. I’m crying, looking for a missing piece for a glowing thing for his f**** car. I’m a parking lot. I should’ve know really, but no I didn’t. After we found it. He just said he didn’t mean what he said he was just mad. Well little did I know that would become my usual living with him, that same pattern. I do something wrong, he gets me in trouble. I’m confused, he tells me to stfu and do what he wants me to do. I refuse, I either get called (for example: a fat pig, who hasn’t even had a baby so what’s my excuse for being fat ?) or (im going to leave you for a skinnier and better looking person than you. She won’t have flabs jiggling when we have sex) or if I push it to much (I don’t stfu when he says) or continue crying from what he has said. I get dragged by my hair. I’ve gotten a lot of bruises and bad headaches from that. What’s crazy is it’s not always like this, he’s always cleaning the house for me, he’s always paying the bills for us, he’s always making sure im okay. Laughing and enjoying our time together. But the moment he gets slightly mad, I can either ignore it and not have a say. (Anyways he doesn’t even like when I have to say what I need to say) or I can continue and that’s where his anger rises. He doesn’t just lash out and verbally call me names or hits me. He has levels. And In these levels, I either stfu the first time he told me or after I’m
On the ground crying getting called names, or gotten dragged, or even had to lick (floor, feet, toilet,) or sit in a corner till he says to stop. He says because I’m younger than him, and I’ve had my parents both spoil me that I’m a spoiled brat. Yea I do whine, yea I do cry a lot. But I’ve never cried this much to the point I’m yelling telling him I’m broken, and he just stands there laughing at me. Showing me how skinny he is. I’m not saying I can’t leave because he does a lot for me no, he has. And as of right now he isn’t anymore. Because I left to my parents for a month and a half. And in that time he was at our house paying the bills. I left because I didn’t want to come back, I got hit in the face on my birthday because I picked him up from work a couple minutes late. So he assumed I was cheating. (That’s where that process of his levels happened AGAIN) his thing is he always has an excuse as to why he does this to me. I could never understand his reasonings because it’s always thag I deserved it. I don’t think I ever heard an apology from him about hitting me, untill I went back home. Anyways, he begged and cried for me to go back, but no I wanted to be with my family. Oh yea btw he didn’t like that I gave my friends and family attention. He didn’t want me to talk to them so much, because he’s like that with his parents so he wants me to be like that. My fault I’m very close to my family….. so yea my parents they know everything, they know what happens and has happened. So in their case they just wanted to protect me. But my heart still loved him, so yes I went back. I lost my family and friends because of this decision. That’s why I said as of right now I can’t leave because I know I’ll come back. My heart isn’t to its point where it’s done. I still have hope. Sadly. So yes I’m back, and it’s been a year already of me back with him. And I find out we’re in debt, I mean what did I expect ? It was just him paying everything, I pretty much left my responsibilities. So now I’m the one working for us, I’m paying off his debt and mine. Because I have to, I owe it to him. And now he holds “leaving me” to my head to make me run around like a monkey for him. He knows I love him, I do everything for him. I take care of his bills, I make sure he never sees or stressed about bills. So I make sure he will never know or see how much things cost. I have all his important papers I take care for him, since I know he would lose it. I work 12 hour shifts, come home cook him dinner, massage him. And sleep at 10pm and have to wake up at 5am. I clean and take our dog out on my day off. I buy him everything he wants. And yet he tells his family he’s stuck with me, thag I’m trapping him here. Because I won’t allow him to walk out the door. Last time I let him walk out the door during an argument, he called me saying he’s getting picked up by some girl who’s going to have sex with him and thag he’s going to call me during it. So yea I’m crying in my house, not knowing where he’s at, or where he has gone. He keeps calling me, and telling me how fat how ugly how much he hates me. And I have to sit there and listen or else he won’t come home. I’m at a point where I have lost confidence in myself, I have lost faith in this relationship, I have no motivation to do anything but sleep. I miss my family. I’m stressed out because I’m paying two peoples bills while he stays at home plays his video games and brags about how he folded for the first time. So if I complain he says well I clean the dishes or I did the laundry. Like that’s what ur supposed to do. While I’m work. Because when he was working I worked and did all of this. That’s why he would assume I was cheating, because I would put my phone down, have an audio playing in the background and organize everything, clean everything. Cook, check mail. Everything. Make sure his work clothes are clean dry and folded. Make his lunch. And yet he complains about taking me to work. I would go to all his breaks, driving back and forth. I would wake up at 5am, make sure breakfast is ready for him. Take him to work at 6pm. And what am I ? I’m a mistake for him. He “knows” he can get another person like me but better. He knows thag someone else could look better, have a smaller waist and listen and do the exact same things im doing but better. I nag at him because he doesn’t understand I’m irritated, I’m irritated thag when I ask him to do something he doesn’t do it right. And if I continue nagging him, we will argue and that’s the same process happing again. And I can’t stand people telling me “leave” “ur so dumb why can’t u just leave” it’s not easy okay. It’s not fricken easy. I can’t just leave, I know physically yes. But my heart loves him so much, I don’t date to just date so many people. No, once I put my all to you. I want you for marriage. I lived in a broken home and I’ve always dreamed of my own home, my own family where I don’t have to pick sides or take my clothes in a bag with me back and forth. So yes my fault for not leaving because he is my home. But I’m just in a point where I just want to cry, and cry. And just hug my dad. Like if I was a little girl. Safe in his arms.
In reply to So I’d like to start off by… by Anonymous (not verified)
